I use words like “precocious” and “obsequious” in text messages.
You might look at me and say, “He must have been a big goofball his whole life.” But you’d be wrong. I wasn’t always big.
I know what channels to watch and when to watch them if you want to see eight hours of Cops in one [...]

It started while I was in the car with Colin the other day. He put The Beatles’ One in the CD player and we sang like assholes stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I’ve had various Beatles songs stuck in my head ever since. My only complaint is that the FreeCreditReport.com jingle seems to sneak in there [...]

It usually takes me a few years before I catch on to a fad or get up to speed on what is considered trendy. For example, I only just now finished The Sopranos on DVD. Now I suppose I’ll put down my Tamagotchi and glass of Crystal Pepsi long enough to write about it.
The biggest [...]

I heard that Michael Bay was catching flack over some allegedly racist portrayals of robots in his new movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I thought the whole situation was pretty laughable until I actually saw the movie. Here were two jive-talking robots who, in addition to speaking like black cartoon characters from the 1940s, [...]

I’m unemployed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t go to work. I have a friend who is a production assistant on Californication, and today I followed him to his office. It’s tucked away in Culver City, making for a bit of a drive from my current digs in North Hollywood. If you’ve never had the [...]

I want to tell you a story.
From 2004 to 2009 I attended one o’ them liberal arts colleges where I took classes with names like “Socialist Pottery” and “Calculus of the Old Testament.” I graduated seven short weeks ago. Faced with a lack of health insurance and a surplus of free time, getting a job [...]

I am sleeping on a futon. I am watching old episodes of The Sopranos. I am catching up on back issues of Green Lantern Corps. I am applying to jobs. I am contemplating my general station in life.
Success, you elusive bastard.

It’s gotten to the point that I can’t go to bed without listening to “Bridge Over Troubled Water” a few times in a row. Who knows? But here I am, panning for gold on the west coast, anxiously awaiting a phone call that could bring employment or disappointment.
I haven’t had many creative thoughts lately, but [...]

Here’s the thing. The California sun will turn your pupils into needlepoints and your skin into French toast. That’s reason enough for me to never go outside as it is, but today I made an exception to go poke around downtown Hollywood.
The first stop was the Paramount movie lot, which looks a lot more like [...]

I’m disappointed. Miley Cyrus won an MTV Music Award for best song. She beat out BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN. How is this possible? Even God is a Springsteen fan.
Last night I went to a party. I was one in a sea of Hollywood glitterati – you know, people who glitter.
How to Offend Californian Women:

Be honest.
Repeat as needed.

My head is all kinds of everywhere lately. I’m afraid to tell people the truth in the great In-N-Out Burger vs. Five Guys dispute. Let’s just say it won’t go over well given my current location.
I’m living like a California king with a queen-sized futon. Angelino women stare awestruck as I pass them on the [...]

My new hobby: Slurpees and Die Hard on the couch.

All my neighbors and both my parents are out of town for the holiday weekend. This leaves me, the humble college graduate, to run from house to house and take care of everyone’s dogs. I have a friend working for Lockheed Martin and another traveling North America. And here am I, juggling canine households.
I’ve started [...]

Well, I have. I just graduated college. Give me a little time to figure out how to describe what’s been going on. There are only two things I can recall being particularly noteworthy since I got home.

We found a groundhog in a tree in our back yard.
Dad turned 50.

I know what you’re thinking – it [...]

I went to the dentist today. This was a wise move because I use my teeth daily and I don’t know how much longer I’ll have insurance.
Mom and I were in Trader Joe’s today. Some fat mother was pushing her grocery cart down the aisle. It was piled high with organic produce and her small [...]