Yesterday I was 100% living in Virginia. Today I am 100% living in New York City. It was a weird, scary process but it all panned out. I’ve now got a little 10×10 hovel in Harlem.

(By the way, I definitely recommend spending the extra $50 a month to upgrade from a “crack den” to a “crack suite.”)

The woman who owns the place is named Liz, and as soon as I learned this, my head was so full of alliterative delight that I put her in my cell phone as “Landlady Liz.”

I’m not a very materialistic person, and this is definitely illustrated by the way I’ve furnished my majestic abode. There’s an air mattress in the corner and a chair that I’ve converted to a nightstand. All those years of watching HGTV finally paid off.