I use words like “precocious” and “obsequious” in text messages.

You might look at me and say, “He must have been a big goofball his whole life.” But you’d be wrong. I wasn’t always big.

I know what channels to watch and when to watch them if you want to see eight hours of Cops in one day.

I think there’s nothing more attractive than a girl with sharp conversational skills. Not being bald helps, too. Sorry, Sinéad O’Connor.